Shredded...

Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to Dr. Freaky Starchild's neighborhood. Our word for today, boys and girls, is "shredded". Can you say "shredded"? Did you wince when you said it? Then you said it right! To shred means to be cut up, torn. And that is our word for today. Won't you be my neighbor!

This is the word that I find I have been using to describe several of the side effects I'm experiencing. I discussed my voice at length in my last post. I definitely feel like my voice is shredded in the way it sounds. It's also sort of what I visualize my vocal cords are like, just ripped to shreds. However, I do have some hope in this area in the form of a speech-language pathologist friend who reached out to me and said the most comforting words I could have heard: "I can help you." More on this later.

My lips feel shredded. They are dry, cracked, and hurting like crazy. It hurts to smile, but I smile anyway. I also have learned that I can't put just any ol' balm of lip on them. Anything with glycerin or petroleum jelly seems to make them worse. Anything scented or having essential oils sets them on fire, and that includes the original Burt's Bees because it has peppermint. I put that on and thought my lips burned right off the front of my face! I have ordered unscented. I use Burt's Bees nighttime repair cream all the time. It keeps them moisturized but does not stop the pain. I've started putting Anbesol or OraGel on them just to have them numb for a little while to try to get some relief. Anyone offering to kiss my lips? Yeah, I wouldn't either.

The inside of my mouth is getting much more sensitive but no sores yet. However, I have noticed that I am not wanting to eat. I do make myself eat something though because I know I need to. Smoked salmon actually does not hurt, so I eat the mess outta that. I also drink Ka'Chava which is a plant based meal replacement shake. It is incredibly nutritious, so that is what I focus on, nutrition. I'm even going to pack some in my checked bag along with my blender cup to take to Brazil. I like the Coconut Acai and the Chocolate. When I drink chocolate, I add a scoop of sugar free peanut butter powder for extra protein. So far my weight and blood work are maintaining which is a good thing. And, yes, Dr. Baltz knows about this but is not wanting to start the Magic Mouthwash yet.

I've also applied the word shredded to how my throat feels when I drink something cold. That cold sensitivity is brutal! If I drink something cold, it feels like shards of glass or needles are ripping my throat. NOT PLEASANT! Also, the cold sensitivity in my hands is a real pain (pun very much intended). That does not feel shredded but feels shocked with electrical current. I ordered some leather driving gloves to carry around in case someone asks for a soda pop.

So, there you have it. I will take these side effects any day over what others have had to endure. I am grateful this is all so far. I truly am. I know a treatment this aggressive to kill the cancer in me will have side effects, and I thank God that this is what I am experiencing. I am not complaining at all; I am sharing my experience. Do I get down because of the side effects? Of course! At times I do, but that's because I am human and this whole experience is not exactly pleasant. However, I do not stay down. I focus on gratitude. I truly am grateful to God for how He is using this experience to reveal things about myself that I needed to know, both good things and things I need to change. Sanctification does come with growing pains. Honestly, I would rather be delivered through this than from this because of what all God has shown me, proven to me, and revealed to me. I think my walk with Him is stronger than it has been in a very long time, and I would not trade this for anything. The fellowship I have with God and with His children, my spiritual family, has been the sweetest I have experienced. God is good all the time, and I will praise Him through cracked lips and a weakened voice, praying that He receives the humble joyful noise and sometimes only thoughts when nothing comes out.

Be grateful for all things because all things work together for good for them who are called according to His purpose. To God be the glory.